Blog Post

Realistic Parenting

Nido Marketing • February 23, 2020

When we become parents, we get to experience a range of human instincts we had never imagined previously. We understand on a deep, primal level that we are responsible for the safe and successful growth of our child as they move toward maturity. This is no small task, and sometimes just the thought of what we must do can feel crippling.


Couple that huge responsibility with the constant influx of parenting advice and information that we are subjected to today, and the task can seem nearly impossible. Parents are left feeling overwhelmed, underprepared, and anxious about every little decision. We spend more time with our children and know more about them as individual people than parents of any other generation, yet too many of us worry that we are failing them in some way (either once in a while or more often than that).


We invite you to step back with us and take a collective deep breath. We want you to know that it doesn’t have to feel this way.


We want you to know that you are already an amazing parent. If you love your child and genuinely care about their well-being, you are doing a great job.


Here are a few statements that may come in handy, today or some other day:

That behavior your child has been displaying? It’s probably developmentally appropriate and will change in time.

That study you read that contradicts with what you’ve already been doing? Take it with a grain of salt; not all scientific information is definitive.

That advice you’ve been getting from your mother-in-law/friend/stranger in the grocery store? Smile and move on with your day. You know what’s best for your child.

Those stunning pictures of playrooms you’ve seen on Instagram? Social media gives us a false sense of expectations. It’s not reality. You’re not seeing what’s just outside the frame.

That must-have toy/book/play structure that will set your child behind if they don’t have it? They will be fine without it.

The same goes for all those extracurriculars - encourage your child to follow their passions, but they don’t need to have sports, music, language, and art classes in their life all at once.

That article you read on our blog that makes you feel like you’ve missed the mark somewhere along the way? You haven’t! There is so much information available - some helpful and some not - take the bits that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

It is not your responsibility to keep your child happy 24/7. Happiness comes from within, and it’s not normal to feel that way all the time.

Those moments when you feel like a rotten parent? Well, we all have those moments. The truth is, we all make mistakes, but more often than not we are holding ourselves accountable to unrealistic standards. Sometimes we have to sit with feeling frustrated and uncomfortable, because parenting isn’t always roses and rainbows.

We’re going to go out on a limb and guess that none of this is news to you. We just want you to hear it from us: parenting is not a perfect art. There are no experts. Even those moms and dads that seem to have it together have their moments!

So, what can we actually do as parents? How can we raise our children with mindfulness, love, and gratitude? The key is to just keep it simple. When the days start to feel too hectic and crazy, dial it back. Find your way back to joyful living as a family.


Here are a few simple ways to be a great parent without stressing about being a great parent:


1. Don’t worry about what other people think . So your 5-year-old wants to wear the right side of their hair in a braid and the other side down and full of sparkly clips to that party at Grandma’s house? Let them! If someone can’t appreciate the adorable creative expression, that’s on them. The same goes for a million other parenting choices that people often feel they have the right to criticize. They don’t. If you’re feeling brave you could politely tell them so, but if not a vague smile and nod goes a long way.


2. Encourage your child to be independent. You don’t need to be on every moment. Your child should be able to entertain themselves some of the time. Of course the length and duration of time will vary greatly depending on age, but you can teach them early that they are able to do things for themselves. Not only will this allow you to focus some of your time on necessary tasks (including that moment to just sit with a piece of chocolate), but you will be helping your child learn critical skills that will carry them through the rest of their lives.

3. Lean on your community. You don’t have to do this parenting thing alone. We all need other adults in our village to get us through the tough times and help us celebrate the good ones. Look to your child’s teachers, other parents, or friends when you need them. While we shouldn’t take all the information thrown at us too seriously, we should have people we trust and can turn to when we actually do need advice. Sometimes it can feel empowering just to hear that others are going through similar experiences. If you don’t already have parent friends, make a point to seek some out. Time spent with them will help put everything into perspective.


We hope this article has put a little bit of love into your day. If you need any support on this (or any other) topic, please feel free to reach out. We are here for you.

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Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!
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