


Help children navigate social conflicts with empathy and problem-solving. Learn how to reframe tattling, guide constructive conversations, and build independence!
How often have our little ones run up to us to spill forth their grievances about other children? Sometimes, these reports are about broken rules. Sometimes, they are about hurt feelings. Sometimes, they may even be attempts to get others “in trouble.”
In these moments, we have a split second to determine how best to respond. And our response matters!
Underlying Issues
When children come to an adult to tattle, typically they are trying to figure out the rules, both explicit and implicit, as well as how those rules are enforced. Which rules are critical? Which rules can be bent or broken? When should someone intervene?
Although those “tattle” moments can feel annoying, it can help to remember that there are probably a dozen or more other times when they didn't come to an adult. Coming for help can be because they reached the point of enough is enough. In this case, the "tattling" is really a plea for help.
We can remember that children are in the process of creating their value system, and this is especially so for elementary-aged children who have a heightened sense of justice and are often acutely attuned to what is or isn’t fair.
Children who are regularly tattling, are usually those who need support with figuring out the intricacies of rules and which are the most important. Children who have clarity about this are more likely to just remind a sibling or classmate about the rule.
If we reframe how we think about a tattler, we can see that child as asking for affirmation or clarification, or even just a clear understanding of the consequences of breaking a rule.
Reframing Our Response
If we reframe tattling as a request for help, our response can shift accordingly: "It sounds like you really need some help with this. What can I do to help?" Or "I hear that you are feeling very frustrated with Jackie. Let's go talk to her.”
It’s important that we don’t just dismiss children by telling them to go work it out on their own. The reason they have come to you is for some help.
That being said, if children are seeking retribution or punishment for another, we have a good opportunity to help guide them through another approach. Maybe the two children aren't getting along for some reason and they need some support to repair their relationship.
A Step-by-Step Approach
In asking these kinds of questions, we are helping children consider their own motivations as well as how to make amends. This can help bring to light if they are seeking punishment or truly need help resolving the issue.
Children are also very sensitive to whether we are maintaining adult neutrality. Even if one child seems “more guilty,” we want to avoid taking sides so that the process is focused on understanding, communication, and relationship repair.
Helping Children Distinguish Between Tattling and Telling
Over time, we ultimately want children to build the skills to independently resolve conflicts, uphold expectations, and know when to get help for serious issues. As children develop trust in the fact that adults can be counted on to help as they form their own value systems, we can introduce them to the difference between tattling and telling.
What is Telling?
Reporting serious concerns (safety, harm, or bullying).
Seeking help when there is a genuine need for an adult’s intervention.
Example: “Someone is hurt,” or “I saw something dangerous.”
What is Tattling?
Seeking attention.
Trying to get someone in trouble.
Reporting minor issues that could be resolved independently.
Example: “She took my pencil!”
Feel free to download this visual guide to use as a discussion tool with children. It’s important to acknowledge that children often struggle to distinguish between tattling and telling. But with support, time, and intentionality, children can learn! They may even want to add to the list as they experience different instances of tattling or telling.
We want children to learn that safety and well-being are priorities while also empowering them to be able to problem-solve when issues arise. The goal is for children to recognize when an issue requires an adult’s help and how they can take responsibility in social situations. As adults, we can model empathy and accountability in this process.
We also invite you to visit our school to see Montessori conflict resolution strategies in action!
We invite you to visit our school, meet the teachers, and observe the children in their classrooms. We encourage you to ask questions and learn about the opportunities available at all levels of our programs.
LakeCreek Montessori International School
10127 Lake Creek Parkway, Austin, Texas, 78729
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