Blog Post

It’s Okay to Set Limits

Nido Marketing • December 16, 2019

As parents today, we are bombarded with advice, ideas, suggestions, and rules on how to be the best parents we can be for our children. Some change is good; emerging research tells us more and more about human development and how our brains work, and making progress as a society is always a good thing. Still, it can be hard to weed through the good ideas and those with good intentions that don’t really serve us or our children.

Giving children choice is important. Respecting children as autonomous human beings is important. We should recognize that even though they are young, their lives are not ours to live. Their dreams are not ours to fulfill.

So, we give our kids choice. We let them make their own decisions. We honor their growing independence and understand that their ideas may sometimes (often) conflict with our own. We try to be okay with that.


But should we let our children do whatever they want all the time? We would argue that no, that is a very different scenario. Giving choice is one thing, neglecting to set any boundaries is something altogether different.

What do children need?

In order for a child to strengthen their sense of independence, they need to be able to make their own decisions, but they need to make these within a framework that feels safe. As kids learn and grow, they need to be able to take risks and make mistakes; after all, making mistakes is one way we learn. It is critical, however, that we keep give our children boundaries within which they are able to make choices.

As children grow and develop, it is critical that they form bonds with adults in their lives that are trusting and secure. Our kids really do test us sometimes; they push against the rules we set because they are seeking a sense of how strong our limits are and whether or not we mean what we say. Giving guidance and setting boundaries isn’t just okay, it’s critical to letting our children know we are here for them and care about their well being.

In short: kids need choice. They also need those choices to fall within limits that keep them safe, both physically and emotionally. When they’re younger, they need fewer choices and more limits. As they grow, we increase the choice and decrease the limits. This way, once they are fully mature adults, they have had plenty of time to practice making decisions prior to any expectation that they actually do so successfully on their own. Isn’t that what childhood is all about? Human children are able to experience a joyful period of time in which we get to practice becoming a responsible adult.


What does this look like in our classrooms?

Montessori classrooms are carefully prepared environments with built-in choices and limits. Some examples of how we achieve this balance:

Furniture is arranged so that children are free to move around, but most classrooms are devoid of large open areas that might encourage running in such a confined space. Those shelves are placed with intention!

Materials on the shelves are rotated frequently. Children may only access what is available to them. Materials that we do not want the children to have access to are kept stored away in a cabinet or closet.

The snack table might be just large enough for two chairs. We want children to eat and socialize when they choose, but we also know that if there is space for ten children to do so at once, the activity may become disruptive and lose its original intent.

Older children may utilize work plans. This enables them to determine the pace, order, and details of their work, but requires them to be accountable for completing all desired tasks within a specified amount of time. For example, a child may be asked to complete a range of math, reading, and biology work within a given timeframe, but there is plenty of choice in how they accomplish the goal.

Children in Montessori classrooms do not typically have to ask permission to use the restroom. Instead, we create structures so that they may do so safely whenever the need arises. Some schools have restrooms located within the classroom, others have hall passes available, or hold class meetings to discuss procedures with the children.


What might this look like in our homes?

If your family is new to Montessori, it can sometimes take a bit of time to shift ideas and expectations. Once you do, however, it’s hard to imagine doing things any other way. Some ideas to get you started:

Allow your children to make decisions about what they wear. For older babies and toddlers, this may be as simple as allowing them to choose between two different color shirts. For older children, you may just set guidelines, such as their clothing must be appropriate for the weather.

If you need your child to get a few things done, let them choose the order. For example, ask them if they would rather take a bath or make their lunch first. Be clear that your expectation is that they will do both, but that you value their opinion and want to let them help decide how to spend their time.

Define boundaries when your child is struggling with emotions. It’s great to let your child feel whatever they are feeling, but that doesn’t mean they should mistreat those around them when they are frustrated or angry. “I see that you are frustrated. It’s normal to feel that way but you may not scream in our house. Here are some other ways to express that feeling…”

Have frank and open discussions with your older children. Have you been feeling like they’re overdoing it with video games or staying out too late? Tell them what your concerns are, what your limits are, and solicit their ideas with solutions. Rather than implementing sudden new rules, engage your older children in problem solving talks until you come to a conclusion you can both live with.


We hope this post has been helpful and inspiring. In a world of permissive parenting and misunderstandings about what Montessori really means, it can be easy to get caught up in giving in to our children’s every desire. The good news is, you don’t have to. Our children look to us to be the adults in their lives. Each and every child deserves adults who love and respect them for who they are.

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Whether we embrace math or not, humans have a tendency to think in patterns, quantify, and make logical connections. Some even say we have a mathematical mind! Young children also have this innate ability and inclination, so in Montessori, we take advantage of this propensity for mathematical thinking and offer learning experiences that provide an in-depth understanding of math even at a young age. Organized into six general groups, the mathematical exercises in the Children’s House span from a foundational understanding of the numbers one to ten, to working with very large numbers and place value within our decimal system, to internalizing number facts, and even early work with fractions! Numbers 1 to 10 Although learning the numbers 1 to 10 sounds simple, it actually involves the integration of several distinct concepts. The beauty of the Montessori materials is that they isolate each separate concept so that children’s understanding grows in progressive steps. This first group of exercises in the Children’s House aims to teach the names, symbols, quantities, and sequence for the numbers 1 through 10. The youngest children first use the number rods, which are color-coded with alternating red and blue sections to designate the quantities of one through ten. As children work with the number rods, they solidify the concept of quantity as a single entity while also practicing one-to-one correspondence. The sandpaper numbers help children learn the symbolic representation of numbers. After children master the sandpaper numbers and can easily identify numerals, we help them connect the number cards with the corresponding number rods. Additional materials–like the spindle boxes, cards and counters, and the memory game–help children progress from understanding quantity as a single entity to grasping how quantity can be a set. Throughout this progression, we offer experiential exercises to help children learn the concepts of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. At this stage, we don’t provide the vocabulary but rather give an impression of the concept of each operation. The Decimal System Once children have mastered the numbers 1 to 10 activities, they are ready to begin exercises with the golden beads. Because there are never more than nine in a given place value, and children already know the quantities and the symbols, they are ready to learn the hierarchy of units, tens, hundreds, and thousands. As children set up the golden beads, the primary decimal system materials, they learn how to think through the process of each operation and the concepts of calculation. Are they putting quantities together or taking them apart and recounting the categories? 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We also introduce the colored bead stair, which gives a color-coded sensorial representation for quantities of one through ten, a pattern replicated throughout the Montessori math materials. With the golden beads, children experience the difference between 100 and 1,000, by weight and geometrical representation. In continuation of counting, children lay out the bead chains and see the dramatic linear difference between 100 and 1,000. Children also use the bead chains to practice skip counting, which lays the foundation for further studies in multiplication. We also make sure there is lots of counting in the classroom! Children can be taught to count by rote, but mental maturity helps them take the leap from rote counting to understanding quantities represented by numbers. 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Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!
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