Blog Post

Grace and Courtesy: More Than Manners

Nido Marketing • November 27, 2020

Sometimes it can feel like our society has abandoned previous social norms. In some ways, this is a good thing, especially when social norms are not inclusive or are harmful. Many of these norms, however, are important in nurturing a society in which human beings treat each other with kindness and respect.

Somewhere along the way we forgot our manners.

This brings us to a critical element in Montessori education: grace and courtesy. It’s so important to us, we even name it, and our teachers are trained specifically to address and teach grace and courtesy in their classrooms.

We certainly do not mean to say we live in a world full of rudeness (although it can feel that way at times!); there is plenty of good and plenty of people who do still care about grace and courtesy. What we are saying is that perhaps our society hasn’t emphasized it quite as much as we should have, and important parts of our humanity are sometimes being forgotten in the midst of regular discourse and relationships.

So, what can we do?

We can start by telling you where we focus our efforts. We can fill you in on how we teach the children in our care. When parents are able to recreate these efforts at home (as you likely already do), the effects tend to trickle outward into the community. In the short term, we are all modeling for those immediately surrounding us. In the longer term, we are working together to raise children who will go out into the world and do the same.

When our children are very young (infants and toddlers), the most important way we can teach grace and courtesy is through modeling. We can really show up for them. We can be present. We can be the people we hope they will grow to become. For many of us in today’s hurried world, this can mean slowing down a bit and noticing more.

Is your infant gazing at you? Gaze back. When they babble, echo their sounds or speak to them. When your toddler struggles to find the words to explain their emotions, sit, listen, and be there to supply them with the words they may not have. It’s also important to remember that our children do not just learn from their own interactions with us, but the interactions they see us having with others. Be mindful of how you speak with your partner, how you treat those in your neighborhood, how you interact with the barista at the coffee shop, and so on. Your child will be watching, and learning.

As our children grow a bit older, we might give them opportunities to practice grace and courtesy in their home and classroom environments. We can teach them how to greet others, how to resolve conflicts, and how to help someone who needs it. We must also teach them how to care for themselves and their environments. From learning to brush their own hair and wipe the crumbs from their face after a meal, to putting away their toys and helping with basic chores, there are so many different ways we can encourage children to learn and grow.

During the early elementary years, children reach a different stage in their development. They are more capable of abstract thought and begin to learn about and think about the larger world around them. They also have an internal drive toward fairness and justice, which makes them primed to learn about peace, kindness, empathy, and generosity. We can be rather frank with children when teaching them about many of the injustices in our world. They want to learn, and they will want to help.


Service projects are a great way for children to engage in this important work. Some projects Montessori students have done with their class include:

  • Selling their old books to raise money to purchase a CSA share for those in need.
  • Visiting a nursing home to sing songs during the holiday season.
  • Cleaning up trash around the neighborhood.
  • Collecting food for and volunteering at a local food pantry.

Find a cause the child is passionate about and help guide them toward being part of the solution. It is important that the child be involved throughout the process for the learning to be effective. They must help decide what cause they want to address, as well as help in developing the plan of action, and completing the action itself. You may notice their concerns during the course of conversations with them, or you may need to ask.


A quick summary of how parents can support grace and courtesy work at home:

  • Allow your infants and toddlers to immerse themselves in the family environment and activities. Listen to them and give them your full attention when they need it. They may not have fully developed language, but they are full human beings, and we can show them the same honor and respect we do to people of older ages. This will not only allow them to feel their own value and worth, it will lay the groundwork for how they treat others throughout their lives.

  • Teach your preschoolers how to take care of themselves and create structures that allow them to practice these skills. Even young children are capable of so much more than most adults give them credit for! Teach them how to meet their own hygiene needs, how to choose appropriate clothing, and how to listen to their bodies’ nutritional cues...and then give them the space to do this work.

  • Preschoolers should also be given the information, tools, and time to help care for the home. Teach them basic chores and enlist in their help around the house. You may be surprised to find how much they enjoy this!

  • Guide your child to care for others. When they are young, the work may be focused on manners and resolving conflicts peacefully. As they grow, this work will continue, but when they develop the capability to look outward, support their desire to contribute to their community. Children innately want to do good. They want to help others. One of the most important ways we can support them is to guide them toward becoming good community members.

Thank you - for taking the time to read this article, for being a part of our community, and for allowing us to join you on your parenting journey. Together, with our children, we can work to create a more peaceful, empathetic, and kind world.


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Whether we embrace math or not, humans have a tendency to think in patterns, quantify, and make logical connections. Some even say we have a mathematical mind! Young children also have this innate ability and inclination, so in Montessori, we take advantage of this propensity for mathematical thinking and offer learning experiences that provide an in-depth understanding of math even at a young age. Organized into six general groups, the mathematical exercises in the Children’s House span from a foundational understanding of the numbers one to ten, to working with very large numbers and place value within our decimal system, to internalizing number facts, and even early work with fractions! Numbers 1 to 10 Although learning the numbers 1 to 10 sounds simple, it actually involves the integration of several distinct concepts. The beauty of the Montessori materials is that they isolate each separate concept so that children’s understanding grows in progressive steps. This first group of exercises in the Children’s House aims to teach the names, symbols, quantities, and sequence for the numbers 1 through 10. The youngest children first use the number rods, which are color-coded with alternating red and blue sections to designate the quantities of one through ten. As children work with the number rods, they solidify the concept of quantity as a single entity while also practicing one-to-one correspondence. The sandpaper numbers help children learn the symbolic representation of numbers. After children master the sandpaper numbers and can easily identify numerals, we help them connect the number cards with the corresponding number rods. Additional materials–like the spindle boxes, cards and counters, and the memory game–help children progress from understanding quantity as a single entity to grasping how quantity can be a set. Throughout this progression, we offer experiential exercises to help children learn the concepts of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. At this stage, we don’t provide the vocabulary but rather give an impression of the concept of each operation. The Decimal System Once children have mastered the numbers 1 to 10 activities, they are ready to begin exercises with the golden beads. Because there are never more than nine in a given place value, and children already know the quantities and the symbols, they are ready to learn the hierarchy of units, tens, hundreds, and thousands. As children set up the golden beads, the primary decimal system materials, they learn how to think through the process of each operation and the concepts of calculation. Are they putting quantities together or taking them apart and recounting the categories? 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We also introduce the colored bead stair, which gives a color-coded sensorial representation for quantities of one through ten, a pattern replicated throughout the Montessori math materials. With the golden beads, children experience the difference between 100 and 1,000, by weight and geometrical representation. In continuation of counting, children lay out the bead chains and see the dramatic linear difference between 100 and 1,000. Children also use the bead chains to practice skip counting, which lays the foundation for further studies in multiplication. We also make sure there is lots of counting in the classroom! Children can be taught to count by rote, but mental maturity helps them take the leap from rote counting to understanding quantities represented by numbers. 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We invite you to come see children’s mathematical minds in action. Schedule a tour today!
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Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!
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