Blog Post

Facing Frustration & Flipped Lids

LakeCreek Montessori School • September 30, 2024

You’ve experienced the scene before. All is quiet and calm. The kids are playing outside. Maybe you are even focused on something you’ve wanted to do for a while. And the next thing you know the door slams open and everyone comes in, teeming with frustration.


At first, you may try to piece together the details: a game, something stolen, someone who felt excluded, others defending their territory. Removed from the situation, you can probably see the dynamics at play: someone felt left out and wanted to belong but didn't know how to ask, so they do something that gets them some negative attention.


Feeling Disconnected 


Our children don't necessarily use the most constructive ways to let us know what they need. Rather than say, "I feel disconnected, and I need some extra love and attention," they are more likely to hit or throw tantrums or, as they get older, say or do mean things to get us to notice. In our imaginary scene, a child who wanted to belong decided to take something to get the other children to pay attention.


In situations like this, other kids typically don’t respond well. They get defensive and usually respond with a fair amount of their own fury. When children retaliate, they aren’t thinking about any consequences of their actions, much less about another child's motivations! Even if we try to listen and have a conversation about what happened, children will often tend to become inflamed again.


Shifting Gears


This is when it is helpful to remember that we can shift gears to help children understand what is actually happening in their brains! Ideally, we find something that children can relate to and that changes their focus. 


A pet reptile is an excellent option. “So you remember the gecko we saw at the pet store? She has a very basic response. If threatened, she has three options: to fight, to freeze, or to flee.” From there, we can explain how we all have a very reptilian part of our brain, the amygdala. When we feel threatened, we tend to go back to basic responses: fight, freeze, or flee. 


Flipping Our Lid


We also have our frontal lobes, which allow us to think more logically and consider other options. Despite having a rational part of our brain, it is easy to do what Daniel Siegel has termed "flipping our lid." 


We can show children what this is like by representing our brain with our hand. When we curl our thumb into our palm it is like the amygdala, a primitive part of our brain essential for basic functions. The amygdala is our alarm center and responds from a place of instinct. Then we can curl our fingers over our thumb so they can represent the frontal lobes of our brain, which help us with self-control, empathy, and decision-making. 


When we get upset, we can "flip our lid." Our fingers (representing our frontal lobes) fly up and are out of commission, leaving our thumb (representing our amygdala) exposed. When this happens, we tend to act from the more reptilian part of our brain.


Getting Curious


When we provide this model for children, they often focus intensely on how our brains function. Yet there is still a challenge: What should we do when we are intensely upset, have a flipped lid, and are in the midst of a challenging moment?


It helps to really sit with the question with our children and lean into a place of curiosity. What if we had a plan for when we get into these kinds of moments? What if others around us were able to do this, too? What if our communities, our governments, and our countries were able to manage flipped lids? What kind of world would we experience?


When given the opportunity to explore options together, our children tend to rise to the occasion. They might decide to use each other for support when they feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger or frustration. They might also begin to think more about others’ needs and how to help them feel more included. Our children are so capable of moving from a place of not knowing to taking initial steps to figure out their own plan of action. While our children won’t have all the answers, we can help them carefully consider how to manage themselves in the face of challenges. 


Curious to learn more about how we help children we confront frustration, recognize the need to belong, and even just manage overstimulation? Schedule a tour and see for yourself how Montessori helps us all grow in beautiful ways!


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Whether we embrace math or not, humans have a tendency to think in patterns, quantify, and make logical connections. Some even say we have a mathematical mind! Young children also have this innate ability and inclination, so in Montessori, we take advantage of this propensity for mathematical thinking and offer learning experiences that provide an in-depth understanding of math even at a young age. Organized into six general groups, the mathematical exercises in the Children’s House span from a foundational understanding of the numbers one to ten, to working with very large numbers and place value within our decimal system, to internalizing number facts, and even early work with fractions! Numbers 1 to 10 Although learning the numbers 1 to 10 sounds simple, it actually involves the integration of several distinct concepts. The beauty of the Montessori materials is that they isolate each separate concept so that children’s understanding grows in progressive steps. This first group of exercises in the Children’s House aims to teach the names, symbols, quantities, and sequence for the numbers 1 through 10. The youngest children first use the number rods, which are color-coded with alternating red and blue sections to designate the quantities of one through ten. As children work with the number rods, they solidify the concept of quantity as a single entity while also practicing one-to-one correspondence. The sandpaper numbers help children learn the symbolic representation of numbers. After children master the sandpaper numbers and can easily identify numerals, we help them connect the number cards with the corresponding number rods. Additional materials–like the spindle boxes, cards and counters, and the memory game–help children progress from understanding quantity as a single entity to grasping how quantity can be a set. 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We also introduce the colored bead stair, which gives a color-coded sensorial representation for quantities of one through ten, a pattern replicated throughout the Montessori math materials. With the golden beads, children experience the difference between 100 and 1,000, by weight and geometrical representation. In continuation of counting, children lay out the bead chains and see the dramatic linear difference between 100 and 1,000. Children also use the bead chains to practice skip counting, which lays the foundation for further studies in multiplication. We also make sure there is lots of counting in the classroom! Children can be taught to count by rote, but mental maturity helps them take the leap from rote counting to understanding quantities represented by numbers. 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Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!
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