Developing ‘Soft Skills’ Through the Zones of Regulation

Whether we embrace math or not, humans have a tendency to think in patterns, quantify, and make logical connections. Some even say we have a mathematical mind! Young children also have this innate ability and inclination, so in Montessori, we take advantage of this propensity for mathematical thinking and offer learning experiences that provide an in-depth understanding of math even at a young age. Organized into six general groups, the mathematical exercises in the Children’s House span from a foundational understanding of the numbers one to ten, to working with very large numbers and place value within our decimal system, to internalizing number facts, and even early work with fractions! Numbers 1 to 10 Although learning the numbers 1 to 10 sounds simple, it actually involves the integration of several distinct concepts. The beauty of the Montessori materials is that they isolate each separate concept so that children’s understanding grows in progressive steps. This first group of exercises in the Children’s House aims to teach the names, symbols, quantities, and sequence for the numbers 1 through 10. The youngest children first use the number rods, which are color-coded with alternating red and blue sections to designate the quantities of one through ten. As children work with the number rods, they solidify the concept of quantity as a single entity while also practicing one-to-one correspondence. The sandpaper numbers help children learn the symbolic representation of numbers. After children master the sandpaper numbers and can easily identify numerals, we help them connect the number cards with the corresponding number rods. Additional materials–like the spindle boxes, cards and counters, and the memory game–help children progress from understanding quantity as a single entity to grasping how quantity can be a set. Throughout this progression, we offer experiential exercises to help children learn the concepts of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. At this stage, we don’t provide the vocabulary but rather give an impression of the concept of each operation. The Decimal System Once children have mastered the numbers 1 to 10 activities, they are ready to begin exercises with the golden beads. Because there are never more than nine in a given place value, and children already know the quantities and the symbols, they are ready to learn the hierarchy of units, tens, hundreds, and thousands. As children set up the golden beads, the primary decimal system materials, they learn how to think through the process of each operation and the concepts of calculation. Are they putting quantities together or taking them apart and recounting the categories? The decimal system work gives children knowledge of the mathematical processes and solidifies their understanding of the mechanics of the decimal system. We focus on helping children understand the process of each operation. We aren’t looking for the right answer. We want the child to understand the operations and what adding, multiplying, dividing, or subtracting means. After children understand the operations with the golden beads, we offer other materials, such as the stamp game and dot game, to help them move away from a very concrete toward a more symbolic representation of the quantities. We offer word problems at the end of this series, which help verify whether children understand each operation's process. Continuation of Counting Through this group of exercises, children learn the name, symbol, and quantity of the numbers from 11 to 100, and consolidate linear counting up to 1,000. The work starts with the teen boards (11 through 19) and tens boards (20 to 100). We also introduce the colored bead stair, which gives a color-coded sensorial representation for quantities of one through ten, a pattern replicated throughout the Montessori math materials. With the golden beads, children experience the difference between 100 and 1,000, by weight and geometrical representation. In continuation of counting, children lay out the bead chains and see the dramatic linear difference between 100 and 1,000. Children also use the bead chains to practice skip counting, which lays the foundation for further studies in multiplication. We also make sure there is lots of counting in the classroom! Children can be taught to count by rote, but mental maturity helps them take the leap from rote counting to understanding quantities represented by numbers. Exploration and Memorization of the Tables Through a variety of materials–the addition strip board, addition snake game, subtraction strip board, subtraction snake game, multiplication bead board, bead bars, and unit division board–children have lots and lots of practice with the essential math facts. This concrete exploration establishes a visual understanding of what something like 5 x 6 looks like and helps children establish early neural pathways for memorizing these math facts. After children use different forms of bead material to practice, they move into more abstract representations of quantity and eventually even use blank charts to test their memory. All of the repetition in this exploration phase leads to memorization as children become aware of which combinations they know and which they don’t know. Eventually, after a lot of practice and repetition, children realize that it is faster to do the calculations mentally rather than with the materials. As children reach the end of their primary years, they want to be more efficient. At precisely this point, they are ready to begin the last group of exercises, called the passage to abstraction. Passage to Abstraction In the exercises for passage to abstraction, children connect the skills and concepts from the previous strands of learning, and their knowledge base shifts from understanding the concepts experientially to understanding them logically. With the small bead frame, children revisit the process of addition and subtraction. With the wooden hierarchy material, children get a sensorial and symbolic introduction to the quantities ten thousand, one hundred thousand, and one million. This material also prepares children for the large bead frame and experiencing the multiplication of large numbers with a single-digit multiplier. The racks and tubes material allows children to begin dividing with larger divisors and dividends. With all of this concrete experience working with larger quantities, children are well on their path to abstraction. Fractions The final material in the mathematical progression is fractions. In the Children’s House, we have already helped the youngest children explore fractions sensorially. They return to this material from a mathematical perspective to understand quantities smaller than one unit. In addition, children begin simple operations with the fraction material and start to explore the equivalence of fractions. In the Children’s House, the progression we use for all of these exercises helps children deeply solidify their mathematical understanding. We first ensure children have strong concrete experiences, followed by more symbolic representations. After children associate the concrete and the abstract, we offer lots of activities for practice, repetition, and verification. In the process, we support children’s growth in classification, comparison, and reasoning. We invite you to come see children’s mathematical minds in action. Schedule a tour today!

Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!

Almost 120 years ago, when Dr. Maria Montessori created the first Children’s Houses in the slums of Rome, she saw a curious phenomenon. Young children, who not that long before had been considered street urchins, developed a sense of pride in their work and soon were eager to read and write. In fact, Dr. Montessori tells a story about how the children and their parents begged her to teach them writing and reading, despite the fact that, at the time society didn’t think that children under six were capable of this type of learning. Then Dr. Montessori did what she did so well: she observed the children, she identified what skills they needed, and she provided opportunities for the children to develop. The result? Dr. Montessori saw what she described as an “explosion” into writing and reading. In Montessori, we support children’s progression (and “explosion”!) in three aspects of language development: spoken language, written expression, and interpretive reading. Spoken Language Because spoken language is the foundation for all work in the language area, we offer rich, full, and beautiful language for young children through a variety of activities to cultivate conversation skills. Our enrichment of vocabulary exercises focus directly on expanding children’s receptive vocabularies and cultivating children’s experience and intelligence. As we engage children in language games, we also help increase their listening skills as well as their comprehension. As part of spoken language development, we also take the time to listen to children’s own spontaneous efforts of expression, so that they gain confidence in speaking and feel that their thoughts have meaning. Written Expression The act of writing consists of two separate elements: composing and recording. Composing is the mental work–thinking about what to say. Recording is the physical aspect of writing. In the Children’s House, we prepare these two elements separately by offering exercises to prepare the hand for recording and exercises to prepare the mind for composing. Writing is having a known thought that goes from sound to symbol, a process that is much easier than the process of reading. Because the development of the hand takes longer than the development of the mind, we use a material called the movable alphabet as a way for children to compose words before their hands are ready to write. The movable alphabet is a box containing the letters of the alphabet, essentially the building blocks of all the sounds in our language. Interpretive Reading In Montessori environments, unlike many traditional settings, reading is introduced after writing because the process of reading is cognitively more difficult. Writing is essentially an expression of thought. When we write something, we know what we are writing. When we read something, we don’t know what the author was communicating so we have to take the symbols, match sounds to them, blend them together, and then attach meaning to them. This is much harder to do. While the hand needs to be prepared for writing, the eye must be prepared for reading. This includes being able to follow a left to right, top to bottom progression across the page. In addition, the eye must recognize that the symbols in our language are lines creating a shape. So we have lots of activities with the geometry cabinet, as well as other sensorial materials, to prepare children for this visual discrimination. We also use the sandpaper letters to introduce the phonemes of language through three senses: tactile, visual, and auditory. Through games with the sandpaper letters, children get to practice the trace of the letter through gross motor movement of the whole arm and hand, see the shape, and associate the letter sound with its shape and their own movement. Once children progress from reading words (mostly nouns), to reading phrases and finally sentences and paragraphs, we offer activities to highlight how different words have different functions. These exercises also highlight the syntax or order of words (e.g. adjectives tend to come before the noun they are describing). Another set of exercises, called reading analysis, highlights the role or the order of parts of a sentence. In the process of understanding the components of our language, children are better able to interpret what the author is writing. The Pattern of Human Language Development The progression that young children go through – spoken language to written expression to interpretive reading – follows the pattern of early human language development. Early humans began with spoken language, then advanced into forms of writing (think of the first cave paintings and picture writing), and later moved into reading as a way to interpret the thoughts of others. How amazing that our young children do the same in a matter of years from birth to age six! One of the joys of the Montessori learning environment is how language learning is woven into all aspects of the children’s experience. When we present dusting, for example, we model a left to right, top to bottom pattern, which prepares the eye for tracking words on a page. When children use sensorial touch tablets and the rough and smooth boards, they develop lightness of touch and a relaxed hand necessary for writing. Every time children grasp a knob of the knobbed cylinders, they prepare their hand for holding a writing instrument. Through the sound game, children become aware of the fact that words are made of sounds and they begin to identify all of the sounds in a word and place them in order. Through the sandpaper letters and sandpaper phonograms, children associate the sounds of our language with their symbols. This is exciting work for the children because not only can they see the isolated symbols, but they can touch them, too! Through the moveable alphabet, children are able to write their thoughts even before their hand is ready to control a pencil. The genius of the Montessori approach is that it breaks down individual skills and abilities so that children can practice them in isolation. So by the time children have mastered these individual skills, they seem to spontaneously know how to write or know how to read. Once this explosion into writing and reading has occurred, then children are excited to refine their writing and access worlds of knowledge through reading. A new journey of discovery and learning begins. We invite you to visit the school to learn more about the “explosion” in language development and the joyous journey that unfolds!

Do you ever feel annoyed by throw-away apologies? So often, our children pick up the habit of tossing out “I’m sorry” like a used tissue. Completely overused, the expression begins to feel devoid of worth. They speak the words, but it seems like they don’t actually feel a sense of remorse or regret, much less a desire to make amends. In Montessori, we don’t insist that children apologize, especially right at the tail end of a heated moment. For goodness' sake, think about when we, as adults, are tired or hungry or stressed and make a snarky comment. We’re not usually feeling particularly sorry – more like ticked off and cranky! Later, after we’ve had time to take some deep breaths, or perhaps tend to low blood sugar, we often feel a deep sense of regret and desire to make things right. Because our children tend to replicate what they see in us, it helps if we decide to first make sure we aren’t just using “sorry” as an easy way out. To really model a different approach, it helps to use the framework of the “Three R’s of Recovery” from Positive Discipline. The Three R’s of Recovery When we make mistakes, we have an opportunity to make amends and even learn from the experience. In Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline work, the “Three R’s of Recovery” offer steps to follow after calming down. The first R stands for recognize , and with this, we verbally acknowledge our mistake and take responsibility for our actions. To do this effectively, we must also be sure to keep any hint of blame out of the picture. So if we’ve snapped at our children and later cooled off, we might say something like, “I feel really bad about when I snapped at you. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Notice that these statements don’t weave in any know-it-all finger-wagging about things they did to push our buttons. Rather than blaming, we take responsibility for the choice we made in the moment. Next, we can reconcile by apologizing. This can be as simple as just saying, “I’m sorry.” When we’ve really taken responsibility, the reconciliation comes from a genuine and heartfelt place. And children are so forgiving and understanding. Perhaps we could learn a few things from them in this regard! Finally, the third R is for when we resolve the problem. At this point, we work together to find a respectful solution. After taking responsibility and reconciling, everyone often feels open and willing to collaborate. If the time isn’t right for a brainstorming session, it’s important to set and stick to a later date for problem-solving. When allowed to share ideas in a safe, respectful forum, children often can help come up with incredibly creative solutions. The Benefits When we try putting the “Three R’s of Recovery” into practice, our children are often able to be more mindful after their less-than-ideal moments. Our mistakes become less about what we did wrong and more about the kind of people we want to be. Because mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow, our relationships with our children often grow stronger as we practice recognizing, reconciling, and resolving together. Mutual respect increases, and trust in each other becomes stronger. The Positive Discipline approach dovetails nicely with Montessori principles and practice. We’d love for you to visit our school to learn more. Contact us to schedule a tour!

The Montessori method of education was born from Dr. Montessori's scientific observations as she explored how to support children’s optimum development. In her studies, Dr. Montessori found that children need a block of uninterrupted time to go through cycles of focus and consolidation. Children two and a half and older need at least three hours to move through rhythms of focus. Often, the most growth and meaningful work happens toward the end of a three-hour block of time. The Flow State We can think about this in terms of the current-day understanding of what it means to get into a flow state. Sometimes, people describe a flow state as “being in the zone.” It’s when we are so immersed in and focused on what we are doing that a sense of time and our surroundings disappears. This concept of “flow” was introduced in the 1970s by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a psychologist whose studies of happiness and creativity led to his articulation of this highly focused mental state conducive to creativity and productivity. When Csikszentmihalyi’s grandchildren started going to a Montessori school, he was delighted to see how Montessori learning environments allowed young children to achieve this state of flow. Long Uninterrupted Periods of Time In order to get into their state of flow, children need about a three-hour block of uninterrupted time. Therefore, we have designed school and classroom schedules so that children can benefit from an interrupted morning work cycle. Part of the morning routine involves children having enough time to greet their peers and go through their transition process without being rushed as they enter the classroom environment. When children are ready and in the classroom, the teachers (also known as guides) can focus on giving lesson presentations and supporting children as they start their day. During the work cycle, children are engaged in a variety of activities–some they choose, some the adult guides them toward, and some individual or small group lessons. This opportunity to make choices of activities that have personal meaning and engagement provides several cognitive, emotional, and social benefits. Benefits of the Work Cycle When children can focus without interruption or externally driven transitions to another activity, they experience deep concentration. With all of the competing distractions in our world, this extended time to settle into their tasks and explore without pressure allows children to develop the “mental muscles” to sustain their focus. Neuroscience shows that deep focus activates the prefrontal cortex, the brain area responsible for executive functions like planning, decision-making, and problem-solving. When frequent interruptions happen, the prefrontal cortex can’t engage fully, leading to fragmented thinking. Basically, when interruptions occur, the brain must reset and reorient itself, which can significantly impair learning and problem-solving. Plus, we know it takes time to transition into a focused state mentally, and shorter periods don’t allow this natural process to unfold. Deep focus enhances memory retention, comprehension, and problem-solving skills. When children aren’t stressed by racing against a clock or knowing they will be pulled out of an engaging activity, they develop a more relaxed and open mindset. This mindset helps children retain their learning, approach challenges confidently, and solve problems more effectively. Children who concentrate deeply are also more likely to feel a sense of calm and satisfaction, which helps them manage their emotions more effectively. In summary, Montessori’s uninterrupted work periods allow children to fully utilize their cognitive resources, making the learning process more efficient and satisfying. Work Periods in Action In her book, The Absorbent Mind, Dr. Montessori wrote about the profound benefits of deep concentration. She also observed that when children are allowed to work without interruption, they often become calmer, more focused, and more confident. The list of benefits goes on and on! From promoting responsibility and time management to strengthening intrinsic motivation and curiosity, long, uninterrupted work periods have broad implications for children’s success as lifelong learners. The teacher also plays a vital role in observing and supporting children during these work cycles so that children can be guided into healthy challenges, new learning, and necessary practice. Children learn that with the freedoms of this uninterrupted time, there are also clear boundaries and expectations. Thanks to the calm, respectful atmosphere of Montessori learning communities, work periods tend to have an ordered, busy hum. Are you curious about the multifaceted benefits of long, uninterrupted work periods? We would love to have you visit and see them in action. Reach out today to schedule a time to observe.

Why do Montessori classrooms have a hand washing basin and pitcher when children can just access the sink? Isn’t this an antiquated experience? To answer these questions, it helps to step back and explore why young children are drawn to an elaborate hand-washing process, the benefits of breaking down a series of steps, and what children are really accomplishing through the experience. Practical life exercises provide the foundation for Montessori early childhood programs. These practical life experiences are foundational and significant for young children’s development. Yet they often don’t receive the appreciation they deserve, especially with the many academic benefits of the Montessori sensorial, math, and language materials. To understand the value of practical life activities, we must understand the nature of young children, which Dr. Montessori did over 100 years ago. Why Practical Life? The exercises of practical life began to serve a practical need. Dr. Montessori had responsibility for children who were being destructive in a building in the slums of Rome. The proprietors needed to take care of the building, yet the children were unkept and out of control. As a doctor, Dr. Montessori knew the importance of hygiene in preventing illness. So, one of the first things she did was provide water basins and cakes of soap. Then, Dr. Montessori showed the children how to wash their hands and faces. What happened was unexpected. Once the children washed their hands and faces, they didn’t stop. They kept washing long after their hands were clean. Dr. Montessori said the children repeated the activity as if driven by an imperceptible force. Instead of stopping them, like adults are apt to do, Dr. Montessori watched. She wanted to see what would happen. With her curiosity, patience, and powers of scientific observation, Dr. Montessori observed a need that went way beyond washing hands. From these practical beginnings came a very significant discovery for Dr. Montessori. A Deeper Purpose Dr. Montessori discovered the fundamental difference between work as the adult experiences it and work as the child experiences it. While work for the adult brings on fatigue, work for the young child is energizing. This is because children under age six are in a period of self-construction. They are developing their intelligence, memory, language, will, and movement. Young children are motivated to interact with their environment to develop these essential aspects of themselves. Their goal is self-construction! Adults often don’t recognize this vital urge young children have to work. So typically, adults stop children from doing something because the action seems too tiring, too complicated, too messy, or because it will be more efficient and faster for adults to do it themselves. But something deep within is propelling young children to this kind of activity. So, in our prepared environments, we offer motives of activity that will match children’s developmental needs. One of these essential experiences is hand washing. The Benefits of Hand Washing as an Activity In addition to the typical handwashing at a sink, Montessori toddler and primary classrooms also include a hand washing station with an apron, a basin and pitcher, soap, hand and drying towels, a bucket, and sometimes even a nail brush or hand lotion when appropriate. We break down each step of washing hands: wetting our hands, washing with soap, rinsing, drying our hands, cleaning the wash area, drying the area, and restocking any necessary supplies. In the process of filling a pitcher with the appropriate amount of water, pouring the water into a basin, and emptying the basin into a bucket to take back to the sink, children practice crucial gross motor skills that help them with equilibrium and crossing their midline. As they learn how to get the fronts and back of each hand wet and lather each finger, their palms, the backs of their hands, and their wrists, they refine their visual motor coordination and fine motor skills. The hand-washing exercise also helps children develop a sense of order through a logical sequence of activities. Practicing this sequencing lays the foundation for children’s future ability to handle sequences that aren’t as logical, especially as they move into work with mathematical and language materials. A Love for the Process Young children love this care of self activity, which involves being able to access and use water in a purposeful way. They can often be found repeating the process over and over. Children can also become very focused on the drying process and show remarkable attention to detail as they take care to wipe up any drips or spills. As children master these steps, we introduce additional challenges, like using a nailbrush to clean nails or applying lotion when their hands are clean and dry. The process is lovely to observe, and we invite you to schedule a visit to see how hand washing helps children with the vital process of self-construction!

We’ve all experienced it. Those days when our children come home feeling the sting of a recess exclusion, a series of slights from a friend, or some other social discontent. They unload their hurt onto us, and we feel heavy with the weight of their pain. Childhood is a time of profound social development. Our children are navigating their social lives, and learning how to handle social struggles is a process that can ultimately build resilience, empathy, and problem-solving skills. Social challenges are a normal and essential part of childhood development. But that doesn’t make the process any easier (especially for us as parents!). Letting the Process Unfold When our children come to us and unload their latest story of social exclusion, teasing, or friendship drama, it is important to make sure they feel heard. This means our job is to reflect back what we hear in an empathetic way, while also acknowledging any hurt or complex feelings. In practice, this may sound something like, “Wow, it sounds like you were feeling really hurt when your friend stormed away from you during the game at recess.” Our children need to know that they can vent and that we will listen. Avoid Getting Too Involved We are hard-wired to want to shield our children from pain. As a result, instead of just listening and acknowledging, we can tend to hold onto our children’s hurt feelings and may even feel compelled to intervene. Unfortunately, our intention to alleviate the pain can often have unintended consequences. Sometimes, our intervention may be that we regularly check in with our children about the social dynamic. For example, the next day asking, “How did it go with your friend during the game at recess today?” We don’t realize that our children have often moved on from the previous day’s hurt. Childhood friendships and social interactions ebb and flow multiple times a day. But when we keep harking back to hurt, we inadvertently do what psychologist Michael Thompson calls “interviewing for pain.” In doing so, we refocus our children’s experience on one incident they have likely mostly forgotten. Each day, when we ask again about that friendship or social interaction, our children either realize that this topic really gets our attention and/or begin to think of themselves as victims. Support Problem Solving Instead of “interviewing for pain,” we can ask questions that support our children’s problem-solving skills. So, after acknowledging the hurt feelings when our children first share them, we can plant some problem-solving seeds, “I wonder how you are going to handle a situation like this in the future.” Or, if we are really concerned about our child’s emotional or physical safety, we can check in about what they need, “This seems like a serious situation. Do you feel like this is something that needs to be communicated to your teacher? How can I support you in getting some help?” Non-interference doesn’t mean neglect or ignoring something serious. Instead, we are focusing on encouraging our children to talk about their feelings without solving the problem for them, offering perspective or guidance only when asked, and observing from a distance unless safety is at risk. If we recognize red flags (such as ongoing bullying or harmful behaviors), we can step in thoughtfully by collaborating with our children to find solutions, which may include consulting with teachers or counselors if necessary. Ideally, this is done with our children’s awareness so they aren’t blindsided by others knowing what they shared with us, especially if they thought they were sharing it in confidence. A Developmental Necessity Ultimately, our children learn to navigate the complexities of human relationships through their own experiences. The ups and downs of social interactions are opportunities for growth in emotional resilience, conflict resolution skills, understanding social boundaries, empathy, problem-solving, and independence and confidence. Think about the many benefits. Social setbacks, such as disagreements or feelings of exclusion, help children cope with disappointment and bounce back. Arguments and misunderstandings teach children how to resolve conflicts constructively. Through trial and error, our children learn to negotiate, apologize, and compromise—skills essential for healthy relationships throughout life. They learn about boundaries and how we all impact each other in different ways, leading to insights into different perspectives and feelings. Social challenges push children to think creatively about how to navigate tricky situations. Each successful navigation of a social challenge reinforces our children’s belief in their ability to handle similar situations in the future. This builds self-esteem and independence and helps our children realize they don’t always need an adult to solve their problems. By stepping back and allowing children to experience and work through these situations on their own, we give our children the space to develop essential life skills. The key is to provide a supportive environment where children feel safe to share their feelings and seek advice. A Foundation for the Future Rest assured, our children have an amazing ability to learn and grow from social experiences. By not interfering in our children’s social lives, we show a tremendous act of love that empowers them to build the skills they’ll need for lifelong social success. Remember, childhood social interactions lay the foundation for future relationships in school, work, and personal life. Navigating these early challenges helps children develop teamwork, compromise, and emotional intelligence skills that will benefit them throughout their lives. Our children need us to let the process unfold, avoid getting involved, and support their problem-solving. In doing so, we are sending our children an important message that we believe in them and their ability to handle challenges. Interested in learning more? Schedule a visit to see how our classrooms support healthy social learning.

We recognize that Montessori education can have some lingo that might need a little explanation. So in this Montessori Dictionary post, we’re going to focus on a few terms (some familiar, some perhaps not so familiar) that apply to both the early childhood years and beyond. When possible, we’ve included some quotes from Dr. Maria Montessori and we encourage you to take a look at her work. Dr. Montessori was a woman well before her time and her books, such as From Childhood to Adolescence and To Educate the Human Potential, can be a source of insight and inspiration! Grace and Courtesy Grace and courtesy is an essential aspect of Montessori environments and supports children as they develop social relationships. Grace is how we move through the space around us, and courtesy is how we treat each other. In the Montessori primary classroom, grace and courtesy is considered one of the areas of practical life. For example, adults give lessons on how to interrupt, how to accept an offering, how to offer help, or how to introduce oneself. These lessons are offered in small groups and the technique used is role-playing. Little social scenarios are acted out and provide a model for behavior that is situational. Like all other learning activities, grace and courtesy lessons are practiced and repeated. They provide a respectful way of learning expectations and aiding social skills before they are needed. Grace and courtesy is never offered as a form of punishment or correction. We make sure children don’t experience embarrassment by being corrected by adults on the spot, as this makes children feel disrespected and not safe. Dr. Montessori reminds us of this in The Secret of Childhood: “I have come to appreciate the fact that children have a deep sense of personal dignity. Adults, as a rule, have no concept of how easily they are wounded and oppressed.” In time, if we offer these grace and courtesy lessons, and give children a safe place to practice, children will eventually perform these skills independently. Human Tendencies Human tendencies are unconscious, universal drives that support our adaptation to our particular time and place. All humans are born with innate needs and drives and are wired to adapt to their environment. The human tendencies – to orient, explore, order, abstract, imagine, calculate, work, be exact and repeat, perfect oneself, and communicate and associate with others – help aid this adaptation. Dr. Montessori alluded to human tendencies when she wrote about the inner drive she observed in children and how this drive helps individuals construct themselves to develop into maturity: “Their behavior led us to become aware of a fundamental truth, namely that the child works for his own inner development and not to reach an exterior aim and that when he has done this work he has not really developed a special ability but he has developed something in himself.” Prepared Environment The Montessori environment is carefully prepared so that children can satisfy their human tendencies and thus develop to their fullest potential. The prepared environment takes into consideration what children need at their particular stage of growth, and as individuals on their own trajectory of development. The prepared environment consists of the physical and psychic aspects of the environment, of which the adult is a key part. Through interactions in a prepared environment, children can construct who they are as human beings. As they go through this process of self-construction in their environment, children learn, grow, adapt, and create. The prepared environment is part of the triad of the child, the environment, and the adult, all of which are interconnected components. Sensitive Periods/Sensitivities Dr. Montessori was first and foremost a scientist and she was interested in what was happening prior to observable signs of human development. She was curious about what was going on in the mind before the skill manifested itself. For example, she wanted to know what was happening during the many months prior to children speaking their first word. Without the high-tech tools that neuropsychologists and psychologists now have to measure brain activity, Dr. Montessori had to rely upon observation. She watched children, took notes, and made charts about what they did. As a result, she discovered that a particular object or aspect of the environment would have an irresistible draw for children. This attraction would last for some time. Children would keep going back to the same activity or element of the environment and would be continually drawn to it. Then the day would come when it held no more interest and something new would be attractive. Dr. Montessori observed this phenomenon over and over again, which led her to believe that there must be something innate in children that was driving this interest. Building upon the work of biologists, Dr. Montessori adopted the term, sensitive period, to describe transitory periods of psychic development. Beyond the Montessori world, sensitive periods are now referred to as critical periods or windows of opportunity. What does a school look like that focuses first on grace and courtesy, human tendencies, a prepared environment, and sensitive periods? Schedule a tour to see for yourself!

We often get asked the question, “How do you handle discipline issues?” We love this question because in Montessori we think about discipline from a different lens. We start by being curious because misbehavior is a form of communication. Children want to do well and do the right thing. So what are they trying to tell us when they misbehave? Unmet Physical Needs Children often misbehave due to unmet needs. At a very basic, physical level, this might be due to being hungry, tired, or overstimulated. So we look at children’s environment and what could change to better support those needs. Perhaps the problem is due to missing their sleep window and being overtired? Or maybe there’s a need for a more protein-packed breakfast so as to not fall apart mid-morning. It might be that a room full of people is causing too much sensory input and a little time in a quieter space or fresh air is just what’s needed. Unmet Emotional Needs Other times children might have unmet emotional needs. Dr. Jane Nelson provides an excellent overview of unmet needs in her Positive Discipline work. Positive Discipline aligns well with Montessori because both are based in teaching children respect, responsibility, and problem-solving skills. In Positive Discipline, Dr. Nelson outlines unmet emotional needs and categorizes these as four mistaken goals. The essence of Positive Discipline is that children develop behaviors in response to feeling disconnected or powerless in certain situations, so they unconsciously use four strategies to try to get their needs met. Unfortunately, these strategies tend to backfire because the behavior isn’t effective! So our goal is to support children in learning new ways to meet their needs. Mistaken Goal #1: Attention The first mistaken goal is attention. We see this when children show behaviors like whining, interrupting, or causing disruptions of some sort. They are seeking attention but can’t yet distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. So when adults respond with annoyance, irritation, or even by giving in, we are inadvertently reinforcing the attention-seeking behavior and children’s underlying belief that they only belong when they have our attention (even if our attention is based on frustration!). A way to help children meet this need is to offer positive attention, encouragement, and connection at times when they aren’t showing misbehavior. Another proactive approach is to find engaging and meaningful tasks for children to do, which helps provide them with a sense of belonging and connection. Mistaken Goal #2: Power When we, as adults, feel angry or challenged in response to children’s behavior, that’s usually a sign that the mistaken goal is one of power-seeking. This kind of behavior can quickly escalate into power struggles, defiance, or even other ways to exert control such as through tantrums or arguing. When children have an unmet goal of power, they have an underlying belief that they can belong only when they are in control or when they can prove that no one can boss them around. We can support children who have this unmet need by practicing collaborative problem-solving during times when things are already going well. In the moment of challenge, we can avoid power struggles by offering limited choices in a firm but kind way. Mistaken Goal #3: Revenge One of the more confusing forms of misbehavior is when children do things that seem intended to hurt others, such as hitting, name-calling, and other destructive actions. When acting this way children are demonstrating that they don’t feel loved so they will hurt others as they feel hurt. What’s tricky is that this behavior often leads to others feeling hurt and wanting to either distance themselves or retaliate. In order to address this mistaken goal, we need to focus on repairing the relationship and over time addressing the underlying hurt. Empathy and restorative practices help in the process of healing emotional wounds. This mistaken goal requires us to get genuinely curious without any form of accusation or disapproval. Mistaken Goal #4: Assumed Inadequacy When children give up easily, withdraw, avoid challenges, or refuse to try, they may be operating under the belief that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them. Our reactions may include feeling helpless, giving up, or even taking over tasks our children were expected to do. An alternative approach is to encourage small steps toward success and to focus on effort over outcomes. Over time, by breaking up tasks into smaller, manageable parts, and providing side-by-side support without taking over and doing the task for them, we can help children develop more confidence and belief in their abilities. Shifting our Thinking So when thinking about misbehavior, we shift our approach to first consider what physical and emotional needs children are trying to communicate. Then we focus on long-term solutions while practicing kindness and firmness. Consistent encouragement, respectful communication, and proactive planning help us address what might typically be seen as “discipline issues” so we can guide children toward healthier behaviors. Part of this includes helping children begin to understand their own needs, learn how to communicate respectfully and establish healthy habits and boundaries. Do you want to learn more about how school can nurture children’s emotional well-being and their sense of belonging? Schedule a tour to see how we create environments of mutual respect and cooperation!