Blog Post

5 Ways to Meet Your Teens Where They Are

Nido Marketing • February 21, 2022

Adolescence is an amazing time in our lives. Everything is changing, everything feels new, and the future stretches out before us like a terrifyingly exciting mystery. Sometimes it can feel like a bit of a challenge parenting your teen, but it can help in those moments to stop and consider their perspective. It’s sometimes difficult to remember what it was like when we were in their shoes.

Parenting a teen is different from parenting younger children in many ways, but there are plenty of similarities as well. It’s important to respect them as individuals, follow their lead, and consider their developmental needs. While that may seem vastly oversimplified, it’s always helpful to have core ideas to rely on.

More than perhaps any other time in life, adolescence is a time of balance. That gradual release of independence you’ve been working on their entire lives? When you find yourself inching toward the end of the continuum, it can be hard to know what to do and when.

Your child will make mistakes. You will make mistakes. With a little grace, respect, and a good sense of humor, you will all make it through this exciting and chaotic time together. Consider these five tips to help you on your way.

1. Give Them Space

That burgeoning independence will make much more regular appearances during the teen years. Let it! It is completely normal for your child to want to spend more time with their peers, to want to do things for themselves, and to want to start making their own major decisions. These are big changes, for sure, but they are also a beautiful sign that you have encouraged your child’s independence and given them a foundation on which they have built a strong sense of confidence.

While your child isn’t an adult quite yet, they are certainly practicing to become one. If they are asking for more freedom and you’re not so sure, it can help to ask yourself the following questions:


  • Have they shown responsible behavior?
  • What are the risks associated with their request?
  • How can you work together to mitigate those risks?

Does this mean you should acquiesce to your child’s every request for complete independence? Of course not! But, it can help to expect that they will ask, and checking our own internal dialogue and expectations can help you figure out what’s best.

2. Support Their Interests

Adolescence and young adulthood are a period in life when we are figuring out who we really are. One way we do this is to explore different interests. Whether your child leans into artistic, athletic, academic, social, or other endeavors, they’re counting on you to support them.

How can you support these interests? Ask your child questions. Be curious. Remember to comment on their efforts rather than the product of those efforts. Show up when they need you to.

They may not always see themselves as a painter/baseball player/actor, but they will absolutely remember the feeling of having a parent who supported them as they figured out who they are.


3. Find Things In Common

Once upon a time you could read them picture books or ride bikes together. Now they’d rather bike with their friends and only seem to have time to read for school. There are times it will feel like you’re speaking different languages. That’s normal, and it doesn’t have to last forever.

As time goes on, pay attention to what they’re into. You may find they are discovering things you already love, or you may find yourself delving into your own new interests. You might be surprised as you bond over classic rock, visit art museums on the weekends, or hike together. Maybe you both like to follow funny animal Instagram accounts. Perhaps there’s a television show or movie genre you both are into.

Keep an open mind. You may be surprised to learn something new about your child, and they may be just as surprised to learn something new about you. Either way, finding activities to connect over is just as important now as it was when they were younger.


4. Keep Talking…and Listening

After you break into the “don’t drink and drive” lecture for the hundredth time, you will no doubt be met with groans and eye rolls. That’s okay. Let them groan. Teen’s brains are still developing, and they don’t always have the most solid decision-making skills. That’s not entirely their fault, and the more they hear you reiterating the important stuff, the better.

While it’s so important to remind your children about safety and expectations, don’t forget to keep reminding them how much you love them. Notice their efforts and achievements, and let them know that you’ve noticed. Try to make sure your positive comments outnumber anything that could be perceived by them as negative. Ask them questions about topics that they find interesting.

But - just as important as talking (and maybe even more so) is listening. Your teen may feel like it’s hard to talk to you about sensitive topics, even if they want to. Pay attention to their comments and questions, and reassure them that you’re here to listen. Try not to cast judgement. Try not to solve their problems for them.

Oftentimes the best approach is to listen and ask what they need from you. They may just want a shoulder to cry on. They may want ideas or solutions. Either way, check in and see what you can do to best help.

5. Remember They Still Need You

Even when your teen has shown they are responsible and independent, that doesn’t mean they want or can handle all the responsibility and independence that comes with adulthood. Your child is still a child, at least for a little bit longer.

There will be days they act like (and maybe even say) they don’t need you, but that doesn’t make it so. They still need you, they just need you differently than they did when they were six. Ask them if they want a hug once in a while. Tell them you’re proud and in awe of the person they are becoming. Remind them that you are there.


Our children are only little for a little while. Parenting is hard work, but it is one of the greatest, joyous journeys we can take. We encourage you to soak up every last moment of your child’s teenage years, and marvel at this incredible time of transition.

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Most of us have had the experience of a child walking into the room and proclaiming, with exasperation and desperation, “I’m bored!” Without even thinking, we begin to offer suggestions. Despite our best intentions, this situation tends to not end well. Our brilliant ideas are often quickly refuted. We feel frustrated. Our children haven’t engaged. And we’ve missed an opportunity to help our children take responsibility. What Does it Mean to “Own the Problem”? It helps to think proactively about how to respond when our children face problems, choices, or situations. These aren’t necessarily the big issues, but rather daily moments that can help our children learn important coping skills that will be crucial in their lives. At its core, figuring out who owns the problem is about determining whether we or our children are the ones who are primarily responsible for addressing an issue. For example, when our children forget to bring something to school (a coat, gym shoes, snack, etc.), it’s their problem to own and solve because they are directly impacted. Plus, they are also capable of problem-solving (e.g. borrowing a coat, talking to their teacher, asking if there is any food they can have for a snack). Owning the problem helps children take more responsibility and learn from their mistakes. Whereas, if we rush to their rescue and bring anything that was left at home, our children learn that remembering to bring essential items isn’t really important because we take care of covering for them. The Challenges However, watching our children struggle can be heart-wrenching. We don’t like to see our children upset, in pain, or even frustrated. Often, without even thinking, we jump in and try to protect our children from whatever problem, conflict, or challenge they are experiencing. In addition to this urge to rescue, we may also experience time constraints, diminishing patience, worry about how others will perceive the situation, doubts about our children’s capability, and even pushback from our children. It may seem faster to tie our children’s shoes or clean their messy room than to wait for them to do it themselves. We may worry that our children won’t meet expectations with a school project or that teachers, other parents, or extended family members will judge the results if we don’t help. Or maybe we aren’t sure that our children will make the “right” decision or if our children are mature or skilled enough to handle a situation. We may even feel guilty about allowing our children to face the natural consequences of their actions, even though it’s a necessary part of learning. The Value All problems have owners. Being thoughtful about who owns the problem helps create a clear boundary between guiding our children and taking over their challenges, which is crucial for raising independent, confident, and capable individuals. If we take the time to think ahead about specific (and even recurring) situations, we can be prepared to empower our children to take ownership of the challenges they face, rather than automatically intervening. It’s also important to remember that if we regularly take ownership of our children’s problems, we are inadvertently teaching our children that they are not capable. The result? Our children grow more needy and dependent on (and sometimes even more demanding of) adults. If our children own the problem, we can let them handle the problem and provide support as necessary. This is a growth opportunity for us and our children! Steps to Take The next time our children express frustration or emotion in response to a problem they own, we can try a simple, three-step response. Tell them what we see When our children approach us, consider using detective skills to determine what emotion is at play. “It looks like you don’t know what to do right now,” or “It looks like you are disappointed,” or “It looks like you are feeling sad.” This simple first step provides acknowledgment and helps children accept that their feelings are normal and acceptable. For younger children, this also helps them learn to identify different emotions. In addition to validating our children’s feelings, active listening shows empathy and helps us avoid jumping to solutions. For example, if the upset is about an interaction with a friend, we can try saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about what happened." Ask them what they can do Next, we can act as a coach rather than trying to provide solutions. This requires listening closely to determine the root cause of their problem and helping them come up with a solution (without doing it for them). For example, if facing the “I’m bored” statement, we can ask questions, “What do you think you could do on your own so that you would feel busy?” Even if they respond by saying, “I don’t know,” we can continue to focus on their ability to think through possibilities. Sometimes, even just replying with something like, “make believe you know,” grants them permission to use their imagination. Additional types of questions to have mentally prepared can include: “What do you think you could do to fix this?” “How do you think _____ might react if you explain?” “What’s the first step you could take?” Offer to help if appropriate Once our children have come up with a solution to their problem, we can offer to help without taking over and implementing the solution for them. Sometimes our children might need support with generating ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm together, which is different than trying to come up with solutions for them. If we do offer brainstorming support, it’s important to let our children choose the best course of action. For example, if the problem revolves around forgetting to bring something to school, we can help with some scaffolding, “Let’s think of ways you have remembered to bring your instrument for band. What’s one technique you’ve used before that worked well?” We can also offer support by providing access to tools or resources. For example, if the struggle involves organization, we can offer to provide a calendar or checklist and teach our children how to use this tool rather than organizing their assignments or chores for them. Role-playing can also sometimes help children practice the solution they’ve identified. Ultimately, we want to set clear exceptions by letting our children know what is expected and giving them the responsibility to follow through. Asking what their plan is is a great way to shift the focus to their ability to solve the problem. The best part is that the more often we allow our children to solve their own problems, the more capable they become. Are you curious to learn more about supporting children’s emerging sense of responsibility? Come visit our school!
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